ZERO :: the Fool (annwyd) wrote,
ZERO :: the Fool
annwyd

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The stuff bad comics are made of.

Tesla (oneironaut) narrowly rescues his roommate from her own lack of color sense.
Man In Black says, "Do tell!"
Tesla says, "She's making jewelry with some semiprecious gem beads she happened to have lying around. I convinced her (very pale) aquamarine would be a happier match for iolite, which is subdued purplish greyish blue, than pink tourmaline would be. I like tourmaline too, but it doesn't go with anything but itself, dammit."
Eastman (annwyd) smiles and nods blankly at the fag.
Tesla says, "Fuck you and the motorcycle you rode in on."
Man In Black says, "What is pink tourmaline -- is it one of those brightish pink ones, like your standard-issue pink, or something different?"
Tesla says, "Pink tourmaline is the pink bit of watermelon tourmaline, which you sometimes see in slices -- it's rose-pink inside, dark green outside. I generally object to the use of things like multicolored tourmaline and fluorite (which is translucent and white and purple-red and green, and sometimes yellow) with any other kind of gem bead because it almost never works. My roommate had a strand of pink and green tourmaline and she wanted to pick out the pink beads, which would particularly not work, since they're in a broad variety of shades of pink none of which would work with the iolite, fuck you George."
Eastman :D
Tesla says, "Actually, I think you do find just straight-up pink tourmaline. But this was not that, so it doesn't matter."
Man In Black says, "Ah, ok. I was thinking that a straight pink really wouldn't be that bad with something purplish greyish blue, but if it's varieties of pink and ... yeah, I can see how it could work very badly."
Eastman merely takes note of 'iolite' as a potential Mary Sue eyecolor.
Man In Black screams in sudden distress.
Tesla cries.
Man In Black says, "Are her cheeks the color of pink tourmaline, too?"
Man In Black recovers quickly from this sort of distress, you see.
Whitney (lilairen) points, laughs.
Tesla says, "Iolite is a more plausible color than tanzanite, actually. I could see it. As long as you didn't call it that."
Tesla says, "Yeah, by making the rest of us suffer. You bastard."
Man In Black says, "You know, this Mary Sue probably has hair the color of the strands in a tigers-eye, too."
Eastman says, "And lips like garnet."
Man In Black says, "Indeed."
Eastman says, "And eyelashes like hematite."
Tesla says, "And body hair like the finest steel wool...."
Man In Black says, "Which is absurdly dark for lips, despite people using lip gloss that color, and looks utterly horrid on her. As do the eyelashes that color, but I'm sure that's from the excess of ... er, whatever the proper name for eyelash-goo is."
Eastman says, "Hush! Bring not logic into this!"
Man In Black says, "Why? It's a great tool -- we see what logic says is good, and do the opposite. Except for the steel wool bit, unless she uses it as a very close-range weapon."
Tesla cackles.
Man In Black says, "And, of course, has it shaved except for a small heart-shaped tuft just above her ... er, what's a suitably Sueish term for her pixelated region?"
Whitney unidles briefly, eyes the conversation, reidles quietly.
Tesla laughs hard.
Tesla says, "The velvety gates of her womanhood?"
Man In Black tries to think of more ways to troll a reaction out of Whiteny.
Eastman laughs! Pixelated region!
Man In Black says, "I was rather proud of that one."
Man In Black says, "Erm, you can come back now, Whitney; I think we're done with this thread."
Eastman says, "Skin like opal!"
Man In Black says, "Or maybe not. Are they really as bad as to describe skin as being like opal? That's, like, bluish white."
Man In Black says, "Er, wait. If the answer is yes, don't answer that. I don't want to know."
Eastman says, "Opal is white, of course, but it's an extra-pretty word for white."
Eastman says, "Everyone these days uses alabaster, you know. So passe."
Eastman says, "Same with ivory."
Tesla says, "And 'cream' is totally played out."
Man In Black says, "Ah, indeed."
Babbage (lstone) says, "And yet 'spoogescent' is surprisingly unused."
Tesla says, "I see semen described as 'silver' and 'pearly' a whole lot, though...."
Man In Black says, "I'm starting to wonder if she's cold to the touch, and makes 'thak' noises if you tap her with a pencil."
Man In Black says, "Actually, what I'm wondering is if there's a powerfully magical gem -- called, oh, I don't know, the Optic Orb of Radon -- embedded in her forhead."
Eastman cackles.
Eastman says, "And it's a ruby. But it's green."
Tesla cackles.
Man In Black says, "Indeed. Except when it's blue. It gets blue when she's angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. It spits blue lasers when she's really angry."
Eastman says, "Excuse me, azure lasers."
Man In Black says, "Oh, right. Yes."
Man In Black ponders the Sue again. I think we need some texture descriptions to counterbalance the stonelike description and make it clear that the author isn't actually going for her being stony. Her hair being as soft as elder sic down, for instance.
Tesla laughs hard. Elder sic down.
Man In Black says, "Er, [sic], I mean. Silly bracket-eating gremlins."
Man In Black says, "I don't have any good ones for her cheeks, though. What's a good one for that? She should have a slender face, of course, possibly almond-shaped or something like that. No pudgy cheeks."
Eastman says, "Heart-shaped yet slender."
Man In Black says, "Unless maybe she has the almond-shaped face and the slightly pudgy cheeks. --Ah, right, heart-shaped."
Man In Black says, "To match her, er, hair."
Man In Black says, "I presume she has the body shape of a gymnast, too?"
Man In Black says, "Or, at least, is described as such, despite her chest size?"
Tesla says, "Dancer. She's voluptuous, and slender, and has curves in all the right places, and looks like she has a pair of beach balls stuffed under her shirt."
Man In Black says, "Nah. Beach balls are excessive. Also typical. Honeydew melons."
Eastman says, "Honeydew orbs."
Eastman says, "Her eyes will also be orbs. Then optics when they're mentioned later."
Tesla says, "Can we get away with calling her breasts optics?"
Eastman says, "Only if they've got eyes instead of nipples."
Man In Black says, "And they aren't 'stuffed under her shirt'. They're 'delicately tucked under her cloud-white blouse, with just a touch of cleavage shyly peeking out over the top'"
Tesla says, "Okay."
Eastman says, "The tourmaline hue of the buds of her precious fleshy orbs can just barely be seen beneath the snowy beauty of her lacy blouse."
Whitney unidles again. "I'm not, y'know, convinced that you're off the subject."
Man In Black says, "Well, of course they have eyes instead of nipples. The twin Optic Orbs of Hydrogen, which shoot cerise lasers when she's angry."
Tesla cackles.
Eastman laughs hard.
Man In Black says, "This is bad for her shirt -- excuse me, frilly blouse -- needless to say."
Eastman says, "Sometimes they accidentally shoot cerise lasers when she's aroused."
Man In Black says, "Ouch!"
Eastman says, "This tragically scares away her would-be lovers, dooming her to a terrible life of loneliness, which she keeps secret deep within her tanzanite pools, unless someone happens to say something which might remotely be construed as reminding her of it, in which case she tells all."
Man In Black says, "Someday her knight in shining armor will come, and ... well, she'll need to be taken to the hospital burn ward due to the reflection. But I don't think that fits into her desc."
Whitney says, "Are you guys designing a Mary Sue or a Marvel superhero?"
Man In Black says, "Yes."
Man In Black says, "Although more of a Theis superhero."
Eastman says, "My Theis have been getting flabby lately."
Whitney, sudden vision of Theis doing comics, has to go lie down.
Tesla says, "As long as they're still opaque."
Man In Black adds 'lithe' to the part of her desc dealing with her figure.
Man In Black thereby preventing it from being applied to her startlingly pert Roman nose.
Man In Black says, "Oh, her feet! Her feet, small and graceful like the twin fishes of Pisces."
Tesla cackles.
Whitney says, "Which is, of course, her sign?"
Man In Black says, "Except when she prefers Sagittarius or Libra, yes."
Man In Black considers the last time he saw red and blue lasers being used in the same experiment, and has this sudden image of our Mary Sue strapped naked next to a fluid flow experiment (and kept either angry or aroused by a lucky henchstudent) with her laser beams carefully trapped by mirrors and focused on a part of the flow experiment to be used for doing measurements.
Eastman cackles.
Eastman says, "This would, of course, be in the Chainsman Institute."
Tesla cackles.
Man In Black says, "I think I like the idea of them coming on when she's aroused, rather than angry. It provides all sorts of opportunities for her to heroically sacrifice herself whenever the plot calls for a laser and the authors have considerately made certain not to leave one lying about."
Whitney says, "You people are, you are of course aware, a menace to humanity."
Tesla :D :D :D
Man In Black says, "But, never fear, this character we're creating will certainly be capable of saving humanity from us."
Tesla says, "Whether we want her to or not."
Man In Black says, "Indeed."
Man In Black says, "She also has to learn that her lasers activate when she's aroused. Because she only thinks they come on when she's angry, and that also clouds her judgement badly. And, of course, she's never been aroused in her life because she was always shunned and lonely, and so this can happen in a great and ... probably traumatic ... Plot Event. Possibly more than once, because the first time she was so startled she forgot."
Tesla says, "Oh, she has to accidentally kill her One True Love with them, of course."
Man In Black says, "Oh, right. Which makes it terribly terribly angstful every time she has to use them that way in the future."
Whitney says, "And be angsty about that for three episodes until she meets the Real One True Love, who she will violently deny her feelings for so she doesn't toast him."
Tesla says, "And spend the rest of the fic Bringing Him Back From Beyond The Veil Of Death With The Power Of Her Love, and thereafter limit herself to the reverse cowgirl position -- oh, or that."
Eastman says, "They'd go broke buying new pillows."
Man In Black says, "Actually, I think we should combine them -- her First One True Love wasn't actually killed, just badly wounded (she was unconscious from the startlement, and didn't realize that her Plucky And Intelligent Roommate Who Never Shows Up In The Fic Again called 911, and ran away from shame before anyone could tell her), and so her Real One True Love is actually the same person, just unrecognizable due to plastic reconstructive surgery."
Eastman says, "Oh, excellent."
Tesla says, "Perhaps she has amnesia."
Man In Black says, "That, too. It was so traumatic that she's completely repressed it."
Eastman says, "We're all going to hell."
Tesla says, "So she thinks her First One True Love ran out on her, which is why her Real One True Love hasn't revealed his identity, and yes, we are."
Man In Black says, "And is now absolutely convinced that it -- and the lover himself -- was merely a dream."
Man In Black says, "She thinks she killed her FOTL."
Tesla lines the handbasket with eldersicdown.
Man In Black says, "Maybe he thinks she thinks he ran out on her, which is why he hasn't revealed his identity, though."
Tesla says, "Even better."
Tesla says, "You have a gift for this. I think we're going to need to keep you in the isolation box after this, to protect ourselves."
Man In Black says, "And maybe she does recognize him, but thinks that her repressed memories are really a prophetic dream of what will happen if she does reveal her love for him."
Man In Black says, "You will note that I haven't created a character here. Yet. *giggle*"
Eastman says, "Careful! You might actually make it interesting."
Tesla shudders.
Man In Black says, "Well, see, I think there may be some value to making it interesting. It's hard to do the really unsatisfactory and flat ending if people haven't started to care against their will."
Tesla howls.
Eastman says, "You horrible bastard."
Man In Black says, "Where, see, she accidentally lets slip that she remembers him by putting a pinch of ginger in his tea (which he really likes, and hasn't done in years becuase it reminds him of her), and he catches her up in his arms and calls her by his pet name for her, and they suddenly live happily ever after with a pair of beam-stop nipple clamps. And there's no mention whatsoever of the repression or angst ever again."
Tesla howls. Beam-stop nipple clamps.
Man In Black says, "It's the obvious solution."
Eastman howls.
Man In Black says, "Or, no, actually the obvious solution is to pipe them into fiber-optics and harmlessly aim them up into the sky. Where the whole town can see them."
Whitney drrnrr drrnrr drrnrr drrnrr SEX LIGHTS.
Eastman laughs so hard.
Man In Black says, "Because, somewhere in there, she became an exhibitionist. Despite still being terminally shy."
Tesla says, "She's 'fiery'!"
Man In Black says, "Only when she gets angry while wearing a flammable blouse."
Babbage says, "Spunky, Tesla. :D"
Tesla facepalms.
Man In Black says, "She only made that mistake once. And now makes sure it's kept wet."
Whitney says, "And presumably white."
Man In Black says, "Well, we'd established that already. 'Snowy', I think was the phrase. It only actually gets described as wet a couple of times, though, and it's explicitly not wet several more times, and then is retconned to being made fireproof in some arcane ritual when its wetness becomes inconvenient."
Eastman cackles.
Whitney says, "When did you acquire the keen grasp of comics plotlines, Man In Black?"
Tesla says, "With a long, tedious explanation that has one plot-relevant fact buried in the center of it."
Man In Black says, "I think I just picked up what grasp I have from hanging out here. The fact that y'all only comment on the, er, 'best' parts probably explains some of it. :)"
Tesla says, "I think you may actually be some kind of bad-plotting prodigy."
Tesla . o O ( NEXT PANEL: NORMAN OSBORNE HAS ORGASM. )
Tags: comics, funny, twisted
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